Scotland Against Crooked Lawyers



Q: When lawyers die, why do they bury them 600 feet underground?
A: Because deep down, they're really nice guys.

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Just two, all the rest are true.

Q: What's the problem with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyers don't think they're funny, and no one else thinks they're jokes.

· "I hear you lost your court case. Did your lawyer give you bad advice?" "No, he didn't give me bad advice, I had to pay for it."

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.

Q: What is black and brown, and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman Pinscher.

· A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me £6.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for £6.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves. Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer amounting to £100 for the consultation fee.

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.

Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick banished the snakes from Ireland.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

· Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970. Fortunately, computers, unlike lawyers, got twice as efficient and half as expensive every 18 months.

Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and night-crawlers.

· A lawyer went into a doctor’s surgery with a frog on his head. “That’s a nasty-looking growth,” said the doctor. “I’ll say,” said the frog. “It started out as just a small pain in the backside.”

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: Take your foot off his head.

Q: If you drop a snake and a lawyer off the Empire State Building simultaneously, which one hits the ground first?
A: Who cares?

Q: How can you tell the difference between a dead skunk and a dead attorney on the road?
A: The vultures aren't gagging over the skunk.

Q: What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
A: Jewelry.

· One juror was overheard saying to another... "You'll notice that neither the prosecutor nor the defence lawyer swore to tell the truth!"

Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: Watching your lawyer drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.

· A very wealthy lawyer vacationed for several weeks every year at his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. In the summertime, he would invite friends to come to visit him. One summer he invited a lawyer friend from Czechoslovakia to visit. The friend, eager to see how a wealthy Scot spent his holidays, gratefully agreed. They had a wonderful vacation, and spent a great deal of time exploring the woods and enjoying the natural setting. One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were walking through the woods, two huge bears, a male and a female, approached them. The Scots lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. Seeing this, the lawyer ran to his Mercedes and sped for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed a high-powered rifle and they both raced back to the berry patch. Luckily, the bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing at the male bear that had consumed his friend. "Quick - shoot it. Maybe we can still save my friend!" The sheriff looked at the bears, levelled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female. His aim was true, and the female bear collapsed to the ground. The startled male fled into the woods. "Why did you do that?" demanded the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One; the lawyer holds it while the rest of the world revolve around him.

Q: What do you call 500 dead lawyers at the bottom of the sea?
A: A good start.

Q: What do you call 5,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the sea?
A: Unacceptable marine pollution.

- A man died and was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of torment – the rack that was to stretch him in agony for ever- he passed a side-room where a lawyer was being intimately entertained by a young woman. She was pandering to his every whim. “This is unfair,” said the dead man. “Why have I got to spend eternity stretched on a rack among flames while the lawyer spends all eternity with that beautiful woman?” The Devil prodded him with his pitchfork. “Silence,” he snarled. “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”

Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
A: That could be your bicycle.

· A lawyer, cross-examining the local coroner, queried, "Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the man's pulse?" "No," the coroner replied. "Well, then, did you listen for a heart beat?" The coroner answered, "No." "Did you check for respiration? Breathing?", asked the lawyer. Again the coroner replied, "No." "Ah," the lawyer said, "so when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?" The coroner rolled his eyes, and shot back, "Counsellor, at the time I signed the death certificate, the man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I can see your point. For all I know he could be out there practising law somewhere."

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q: What do you call one lawyer on the moon?
A: A mission.
Q: What do you call two lawyers on the moon?
A: A mission.
Q: What do you call every lawyer in Scotland on the moon?
A: Mission accomplished.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of pond scum?
A: The bucket.

- A prominent young lawyer died on his way to court, and found himself before the gates of Heaven.  When he arrived, a chorus of angels appeared, singing in his honour.  St. Peter himself came out to shake his hand.  "Mr Jones," said St. Peter, "it is a great honour to have you here at last.  You are the first being to break Methuselah's record for longevity.  You have lived 1028 years."  "What are you talking about?" asked the lawyer.  "I'm 46."  "46?  But aren't you Steven Jones? The lawyer from Scotland?"  "Yes," the lawyer answered.  "Let me check the records," said St Peter. He slapped his hand against his forehead.  "Oh, how silly of us.  Now I see the mistake!   We accidentally calculated your age by adding up the hours you billed your clients!"

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: When there’s an empty seat.

Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the morgue.

· A lawyer was out shooting and shot a duck. As he was about to pick it up, a farmer appeared. “This is my land,” said the farmer, “so that is my duck.” “I shot it,” said the lawyer. “That means it is my duck – and I will sue you to prove it.” “Round here we don’t hold with court cases,” said the farmer. “We go by the Three-Kicks-Law. I kick you three times and if you can get back on your feet and kick me three times, the duck is yours.” The lawyer, reckoning he could kick far harder than the farmer, said: “Fair enough.” So the farmer kicked him once on the knee, then in the ribs, and finally in the groin. “All right,” groaned the lawyer, stumbling back to his feet, “now it’s my turn.” “Oh forget it,” said the farmer. “You can keep the duck.”

Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?

Q: How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three - one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.

· A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander. "Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them," instructed the lawyer. The witness hesitated. "But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear," she protested. "Then," said the lawyer, "just whisper them to the judge."

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a Bar Association convention?
A: The caterer.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one.

Q: What’s the difference between a bad lawyer and a good lawyer?
A: A bad lawyer can make a lawsuit drag on for several years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.

· The Devil visited a lawyer and made him an offer. “I can give you good things,” said the Devil. “I will increase your income five-fold. You will be respected in your profession, you will earn a knighthood, and you will live to be a hundred. You will spend half the year on exotic holidays, and the other half being caressed by beautiful women. All I require in return is that your wife and children’s souls rot in hell for eternity.” The lawyer thought for a moment and asked: “What’s the catch?”

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Your honour.
Q: What do you call a judge gone bad?
A: A judge.

Q: Why did God invent lawyers?
A: So that estate agents would have someone to look down on.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
A: The pronunciation.

Felix the Cat
Devil Lawyer
"We're all together now."
"So is he!"
Litigators' Heaven
Masonic Ring
Crooked Lawyers

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.

Q: You are trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.

Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!

Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

· A lawyer died in poverty and many members of the Law Society of Scotland and the Faculty of Advocates donated money for his funeral. A member of SACL was asked to contribute a penny. “A penny?” was the response. “It only costs a penny to bury a lawyer? Here’s a pound: bury a hundred of them.”

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: Did you hear about the terrorist who hijacked a Boeing 427 full of lawyers?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren’t met.

“You are a cheat!" shouted the attorney to his opponent. "And you're a liar!" bellowed the opposition. Banging his gavel loudly, the judge interjected, "Now that both attorneys have been identified for the record, let's get on with the case."

Q: Sitting round a table were a rich lawyer, a
poor lawyer and a tooth fairy. There was a fifty-pound note on the table and it disappeared. Who took it?
A: It could only be the rich lawyer, the other two being purely imaginary.

Q: What's the difference between a bankrupt lawyer and a pigeon?
A: The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.

Q: What's the definition of a lawyer?
A: A mouth with a life support system.

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
A: No changes occur.

· A man walked into a lawyer’s office and asked what his charges were. “£300 for three questions,” said the lawyer. “Isn’t that a bit steep?” asked the man. “Yes,” said the lawyer. “And your third question?”

Q: Why don’t sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One is a horrible bottom-dwelling parasite that dredges up scum and feeds off it. The other is just a fish.

· A man with an alligator walked into a bar. “Do you serve lawyers here?” “Yes,” said the barman. “Good, then I’ll have a pint of beer and my alligator will have two lawyers.”

Q: Why do scientists now use lawyers instead of rats for their experiments?
A: There are some things rats just won’t do.

Q: Why did the lawyer cross the road?
A: To sue the chicken on the other side.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
A: Never enough.

· Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in, waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables. While this is going on, one of the lawyers slipped something into the other's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers, "What is this?" The first lawyer replied, "It's the £100 I owe you."

Q: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
A: You spend eight minutes in his office and get charged as if you'd been there eight hours.

Q: What's the difference between a law firm and a circus?
A: At a circus, the clowns don't charge the public by the hour.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.

· At two in the morning, the phone rang at the Lord Advocate's mansion. An aide found himself talking to a local lawyer who insisted that he must speak to the Lord Advocate immediately. Despite pleas to postpone his call until morning, the lawyer insisted that the call was a matter of the utmost urgency and that it could not wait. Eventually, the aide reluctantly decided to wake up the Lord Advocate. "So, what is it?" grumbled the Lord Advocate. "Sheriff Thomson just died," announced the lawyer, "and I want to take his place." The Lord Advocate shot back, "It's okay with me if it's okay with the undertaker."

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What do lawyers do after they die?
A: They lie still.

Q: Why does Edinburgh have the most lawyers, and Glasgow the most toxic waste dumps?
A: Glasgow got first pick.

Q: What would happen if you locked a zombie in a room full of lawyers?
A: The zombie would starve to death.

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire sucks blood only at night.

Q: What’s the difference between God and a lawyer?
A: God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.

· Two small boys meet on their first day at school. “What does your Daddy do?” asks Tommy. “My Daddy’s a postman,” says Billy. “What does your Daddy do?” My Daddy’s a lawyer,” says Tommy. “Honest?” says Billy. “No, just the usual sort!”.

Q: When lawyers die, why don't vultures eat them?
A: Even a vulture has taste.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: No! “Good!”

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 10?
A: A lawyer.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?
A: Your honour.

· At the start of an important trial, a small town prosecuting lawyer called his first witness to the stand. She seemed like a sweet, elderly lady. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. You've become a huge disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a hot-shot lawyer, when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you, alright." The prosecuting lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence lawyer?" She replied, "Why, of course I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, also, is a real disappointment. He's lazy, bigoted, never has a nice word to say about anybody, and he drinks like a fish. He's been divorced five times, and everybody knows that his law practice is one of the shoddiest and corrupt in the entire country. Yes, I know him too, alright." The judge rapped his gavel, to silence the tittering spectators in the courtroom gallery. Once the room was silent, he called both attorneys to his bench. In a quiet, menacing voice, he warned, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

Q: What’s the difference between a dead dog in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a Mercedes Benz full of lawyers?
A: The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

· A lorry driver hated lawyers so much that whenever he saw one he would run him over. One day he picked up a priest who was hitchhiking. On their way into town, the driver spotted a lawyer on the pavement and drove straight towards him to knock him down, but he swerved at the last moment to miss him when he remembered who was in the truck with him. The priest, alarmed by such driving, opened the door as if to jump out. “I’m awfully sorry, Father,” the driver confessed, “I almost hit that lawyer.” The priest smiled and said: “Don’t worry, my son, I got him with the door.”

Q: What does it mean when a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule?
A: It means that after you pay his bill, it's financially hard to get back on your feet.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

· A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap. When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind. The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was. The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!" The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favour to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you must be a lawyer!"

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: Once launched, they can't be recalled.

· At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand pounds to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question. The prosecutor again blared, "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand pounds to compromise this case?" The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question." "Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."


Sheriff Andrew Lothian
Sheriff Andrew Lothian
Click the link above to see how the sheriff moved the goalposts.
SACL v The City of Edinburgh Council, reclaiming election deposits.  LINK
Tom Crooks SACL
Tom Crooks
Read Tom's letters to the media, discrediting Crooked Lawyers. LINK
Tom Crooks fell victim to operatives in the Faculty of Ad-vermin-cates (sic)
Lord Cullen
Lord Cullen
Read the letters to Lord Cullen that incriminate him. LINK
Why did Lord Cullen try to bury Billy Burns' letters to him for 100-years?
See a video of Stuart's historic walks around Edinburgh. LINK
Read a short history of SACL's founding father, Stuart Usher  LINK
Stuart Usher SACL
Stuart Usher


Gordon Jackson QC
Gordon Jackson QC
SACL were at the forefront of Naming and Shaming.
The coeval list of the Rogues Gallery of Crooked Lawyers and law firms. LINK
Donald Findlay QC
Donald Findlay QC
The above statement was made by Donald Findlay QC LINK
Some people regard an attack on an advocate as an act of social work.
Billy Burns SACL
Billy Burns
Read the full chronological synopsis of Billy's fight against the illegal Poll Tax LINK
Billy Burns' fight exposing the immoral and illegal Poll Tax. LINK
Colin Boyd QC
Colin Boyd
Why did Coco Boyd try to protect Lord Cullen LINK
The Lord Advocate assisted Lord Cullen in the imposition of an illegal "Gagging Order".
Trusting Client SACL
Trusting Client
Trust a thief in the night before a lawyer in the day.
View the flow chart of the futile legal complaints procedures. LINK
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